Understanding Avoids the Fire

I was speaking to my sister-in-law on the phone a few weeks ago. She told me how my father had started calling more regularly, and when he did, he would call to speak to her, my niece, or my nephew instead of just calling to talk to my brother. She said how much this meant to them. It made me a little sad, but I pushed that feeling aside because I knew it was because I don’t do the same.

I do not doubt that if I were to say to my niece or nephew, "I would’ve called more often, but I was too busy building my community, or I was too busy working, " they would say they understood. I think they genuinely would be able to understand, but does that make it OK? The statement from my sister-in-law has helped me see that being understanding can sometimes be a bad thing rather than a good one.

I think we all have a desire to understand why we ourselves and others do things. Part of that desire to understand is an effort to alleviate the pain that may come through a behavior or action that is hurtful to us. For example, if we can understand why someone we love doesn’t pay any attention to us, then that takes away some of the pain caused by being ignored. While this is understandable, I think it does damage to both the person trying to understand and the person being understood.

For the person trying to understand, it takes away their right to feel hurt, disappointed, or angry about another person's behavior. When we do not allow ourselves to process and feel our feelings, we often repress them, and suppressed feelings get distorted over time and twisted. So we’re driving to work and someone cuts us off and we flick off on them, not because what they did is really that big of a deal, but because we’re angry at our cousin who didn’t show up for the wedding or our parents who forgot our birthday. So by understanding, we do damage to ourselves.

In our understanding, we also do damage to the person we are trying to understand because by saying we understand their misbehavior or misdeed, we take away their responsibility for what they’ve done, and in so doing keep them from making the changes necessary to better their lives. I hardly talk to my niece, nephew, or my brother and sister-in-law. They would probably say that they understand I am busy, but if I’m so busy that I don’t have time for my family, then I think that’s an indicator that my priorities are out of whack. Knowing this, I can make a change that will prevent me from regretting the decisions I make later in life. However, if I am constantly told 'it’s okay" or "I understand," then I’m less likely to recognize that what I’m doing is problematic and less likely to make the change that will prevent me from suffering later.

Many would say these changes are challenging to make because we are so focused on accomplishment and monetary and material success. The idea that we would work less so we have more time for our families is contrary to what we are taught is the best way to show love. It is far better to love your children by being present with them than to send them to the best college and give them all the toys they want. It is far more loving to spend time with your family and help them to understand a different way of living in the Church than to send them gift cards on their birthday or Christmas with the money you make from working more than you need to. Knowing that your presence is missed or that your behavior is hurtful gives a gift that no money can buy.

While it is beneficial to understand, it is also helpful to be held responsible. A little fire under a loved one’s feet can keep them from the tormenting fires of regret that come later in life if change is not made.

Human-Written, AI Spell-Checked 4/24/21 AD

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