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Anxious Hoarding

City of God “...But as to those feebler spirits who, though they can be said to prefer earthly possessions to Christ, do yet cleave to them with a somewhat immoderate attachment, they have discovered by the pain of losing these things how much they were sinning in loving them. For their grief is of their own making; in the words of the Apostle quoted above, “They have pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”

When my housemate Brian and I moved in together, I told him that since we were living as a community, my books were now our books. This made me uncomfortable, which I recognized was probably good discomfort, but nonetheless, I changed my mind. My books became mine again. The loss of them being mine caused me grief, showing me that I am too attached. And now I continue to buy more that I will have to grieve losing at some point. I gain more by losing, and I lose more the more I gain. 

“...What he(St. Paul) blames in riches is not the possession of them, but the desire of them… “

“...They who were making such a use of their property have been consoled for light losses by great gains, and have had more pleasure in those possessions which they have securely laid past, by freely giving them away, then grief in those which they entirely lost by an anxious and selfish hoarding of them…”

Anxious and selfish hoarding. Anxious. Why do I anxiously hoard books? Why do I care if Brian uses them to grow in knowledge? Because hoarding the knowledge keeps me in a position of feeling, not being, superior. Being "better than" earns me love in my twisted understanding. To untwist this, I must let go...soon...down the road...

To be equal means I am not special, and if I am not special, why love me? The thought of being equal makes me anxious. My selfishness is rooted in this same fear. If I share, I lose my specialness, and to not be special is to not be loved, which generates anxiety that I sooth with ________(fill in the blank). Food, sex, shopping, etc. 

Mary Undoer of Knots, please pray for me. 

Written 1/16/21 AD

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