Do You Want To Be Healed?

So, last night I finished reading my brother, AJ Benjamin's, book, When the Son Frees You. I guess it would be more accurate to say I stopped reading his book. The book was challenging for me in many ways, not because of any intellectual or spiritual challenge, but because I didn't want to hear some of what he had to say. Similar to the negative reaction I had to the conclusion of Paul Darrow's story at the end of the movie Desire of the Everlasting Hills(DEH).

In the movie, Paul discussed living with his boyfriend during his conversion to the Holy Catholic faith, and in the end, he was still living with his now ex-boyfriend as a roommate and brother. I was very disturbed by this at the time, without knowing why until a while later. I came to realize that, in my mind, this unresolved issue with his living situation challenged my choice to live a life of isolation. My solution to my "homosexual problem" had been to remove all men from my life so I would be safe from the danger of falling in love with a man, which has at its core the fear of loving men at all, even in a healthy way. He had done the opposite of this. He'd kept a man close and worked on learning to love him properly. This made me uncomfortable, so I rejected it, and I know that's why I stopped reading AJ's book instead of finishing it.

The last chapter is called "Healing Homosexuality".  This is the point of the whole book. Showing how the Lord has worked in AJ's life to bring about healing in the areas of his life that pushed him into same-sex attraction and, in some way, living a gay identity. Throughout the book, I felt uncomfortable at times, but as I neared the last chapter, my irritation grew. I thought to myself last night, "let me get through these last couple of chapters so I can be done. This is not an unusual feeling at the end of reading a book, as I like the sense of accomplishment I get from finishing and the anticipation of what's next. But I recognized there was also partially an irritation behind the feelings this time. This morning I woke with an understanding of why.

As with Paul at the end of the DEH, I was challenged in a way I didn't want to be. With Paul, my idea of hiding from men rather than risking attraction and hurt was challenged. With AJ, my idea that I have gone far enough in my healing was challenged, and so I ask myself today, do I really want healing? I believe healing is possible. The question is, how far am I willing to go to achieve it?

Wound care is not comfortable, as I have learned from living with my housemate, who is a nurse. It requires doing the opposite of what, in the short term, makes the wound feel better: just letting it be. For healing to occur, some level of poking and prodding is necessary. DEH and When the Son Heals You are wound care tools, and I sometimes don't know if I want the healing they offer.

That being said, I do not doubt that, as AJ mentions several times in his book, Jesus wants complete healing of the wounds that afflict me and will continue to offer me opportunities for healing, whether I take them right away or not.

So tonight I will finish the book. I will stand in the discomfort that comes from knowing that a more profound healing is possible if I am willing to embrace the pain that comes along with it.

Lord help me.

Human-Written, AI Spell-Checked 5/1/21 AD