The Pain Of Friendship

My housemate Brian and I had it out last night about his decision to go away last week with someone whom I saw as an enemy and his being a people-pleaser. He showed great sorrow over his decision. He “wept bitterly,” as it says in Scripture. I recognized that he was truly sorry, and I forgave him. I woke this morning to a reading from Exodus in the Office of Readings that saddened me.

Moses received the Law from God. He shared it with the Israelites, and they agreed to live it. He had altars built and went back up the mountain for forty days—just forty days. When he came back, the Israelites had already betrayed their word to God. Just forty days had passed, and a huge change occurred in their hearts and minds. This is how I feel about Brian right now, right or wrong.

I forgave him last night and again this morning. I do not doubt that he is sincerely sorry. But I feel distrust for him now that I did not feel a week ago before he went away. Just a week has passed, and it seems a huge change has occurred in my heart and mind.

Trust is much more delicate than I knew, something I need to keep in mind when it comes to the choices I make. This is one of many good reasons we are called on not to be rash in our decision-making processes, to move slowly and thoughtfully. Obviously, there are some things in life that we simply can not foresee the outcome of in advance. But in many cases, we can if we move slowly.

I pray that my trust in Brian can be restored. It will take time. I think making the decision that I want to trust him again and asking Jesus to help make it so is all I can do. I also need to forgive him over and over again, each time the thoughts come back to the surface of the betrayal I feel he committed.

These are more ticks being picked off. The ticks of holding a grudge, unforgiveness, punishment, and distrust. The tick of running from hurt back into the comforting arms of the tick of isolation.

When Brian got upset last night, my heart was moved. I recognized his brotherly love for me. I sat next to him and he cried on my shoulder. I truly felt his sorrow. It was an important moment in our growth as friends and brothers.

In hindsight, I recognize that what hurt me had little to do with the person he went out of town with. It had much more to do with Brian choosing to do something he consciously knew was hurting me. That I saw as betrayal, even if he didn’t see it that way, or that wasn’t an actual betrayal. He weighed his options and chose the path that he saw causing me pain. This is what is difficult to forgive. I have no doubt he is sorry he did it, but that doesn’t undo it. Going away was more important than the pain it caused the person he says he is closest to, than anyone else.

This is also a wake-up call to me. As I write this, I am aware of how frequently I do the same thing to him in different ways: being cold to him, ignoring him, and being spiteful towards him. I told him last night that maybe subconsciously, he did this to get back at me for how cruel I’ve been to him, and I wouldn’t blame him.

What if the way I felt over the last week is how my behavior makes him feel? Maybe we both have a lot to forgive, not just me.

One night, shortly after we moved in together, as I behaved immaturely, Brian said he used to think I was so serious. I now see this statement as a sign that his view of me had shifted because of my behavior. He has suffered a loss too. I am not who he thought I was, and he is not who I thought he was. Now we both have to decide if we want to live with the real flawed versions of each other. Can real G and real B live in a community together?  I think so, as long as we agree to work on the areas where we have both hurt each other.

Human-Written, AI Spell-Checked 3/8/21 AD

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