Bloody Gums

I recently began exercising again in an effort to get back into the pants I could fit into pre-pandemic. The instructor in one of the exercise videos I watched made a comment that is very relevant for those of us trying to live more disciplined lives. He said that we need to pay attention to our form in each exercise because if we start off with bad form, we will grow into it, but if we use good form, we will grow into it. This is a truth that I have lived by for many years without realizing that is what I was doing.

10 years ago, my marijuana use was out of control, as was life in general, and it was causing me many psychological and physical health problems. I wanted to change, but I felt paralyzed by the enormity of the task, just as I do by the increasing enormity of my belly. I couldn’t imagine not getting high. It was so upsetting that I would cry if I let my mind dwell on what life would be like without Mary Jane. I had no connection to Christ or His Church that I was aware of at the time, and no discernible desire for discipline; however, as I went from therapist to therapist looking for someone to help me get off weed and being told I needed to take a drug to help me get off drugs, I was aware of my need to struggle.

And so I set myself a schedule that included just 10 minutes of prayer each day, in addition to mundane tasks such as making the bed and putting away the clothes I’d taken out while trying to decide what to wear. At first, the new disciplines were exciting. They felt like an adventure. But as time went on and the newness wore off, sticking to the tasks I set for myself became increasingly difficult.

What’s the big deal if you don’t make your bed this morning?  It’s only one morning. You can get back on your schedule tomorrow. So what if you drop some lint from the dryer on the floor? You can pick it up later. Don’t worry about flossing your teeth; bloody gums are no big deal. You don’t have to call that person back. You don’t have to keep that commitment. And why are you quitting weed anyway? What is the big deal?  STOP!!! Make the bed...pick up the lint...floss your damn teeth!

Gentility and passivity do not work with living a disciplined life, especially in the beginning. As the YouTube exercise dude says, bad form leads to growth into that bad form. If you do not keep the little disciplines, then the more difficult disciplines will be impossible. If you won’t take 3 seconds to pick up lint or 5 minutes to brush and floss your teeth, how will you ever get off weed, finish a college course, or make space in your life for Christ? The answer is you won’t. So where do we start? Surrender, in our weakness, to Jesus.

We are not capable of this kind of change on our own, though our participation is required. Throwing our hands up in surrender is entirely necessary, but then they must come back down to make the bed, pick up the lint, pray, and floss our teeth. Jesus gives us the grace through our Lady, but we must participate in that grace, or the grace will just run off like water on a rock. We have free will, and He expects us to use it in conjunction with the grace He sends to bring about changes that we alone can not achieve to bring glory to Him and draw others to Him. This surrender is death to self. And death is painful.

Each morning, my alarm goes off early...early...early. It kills me not to hit the snooze button 20 times, but I know that if I do, I won’t keep the commitments I’ve made. I won’t be who I am.  I won’t grow the way He wants me to. So I die to selfishness. I die to laziness. I die to indifference and do what is best and right, not what is easy. By His grace, I am slowly happily dying to the porky old man and putting on the new man I am destined to become if I will stick to the disciplines that keep me from the false, flabby, bloody, joy of the old man.

Human-Written, AI Spell-Checked 4/28/21 AD

Image from uphillathlete.com