Help me, Grow Up

I have a friend in their 40s who still has part of their living expenses paid by their parents. I have another friend who is driven from place to place by friends, not because they are unable to drive, but because of fear. I have no doubt that my friends' parents and “the driver” think they are being helpful to their respective needy child and friend, but are they really?

What does it mean to help someone? Well, the first definition that came up on Google is part of the problem with this concept.  The def is “make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources.” Are we doing our loved ones and friends a service or a disservice by helping them in ways that make them less independent and less able to fend for themselves? I say “help” is often a disservice.

I often need help. I need help sticking to my disciplines and schedule. I need help keeping our home clean. I need help learning to play basketball.  The way I am helped is what is key. If the way my housemate helped me keep our home clean was to do all the cleaning himself, he would be helping me avoid being responsible. If the way he helped me with my discipline and schedule was by lowering the expectations set by the rule or schedule, he wouldn’t actually be helping me. If the way he taught me how to play basketball left out all the rules of the game, he wouldn’t actually be helping me. So though I’d like my life to be made easier, I know that is not what is good for me, so I ask to be helped in a truly helpful way. I think it is our duty to family, friends, and strangers to help them in truly helpful ways.

When I ran up $12,000 in credit card debt buying clothes in my early twenties, I wanted to “help” myself by declaring bankruptcy. When I told my dad, he told me to return the clothes. I said, “I can’t.” He said, “Right. So you pay for them!” And so I did and learned a valuable lesson. When I was a pothead, I didn’t brush my teeth. Once I got sober, my teeth started getting all kinds of cavities and cracks in old cavities. The consequences of my choices caused me to change my behavior and take better care of my teeth. No one bailed me out. I had to take responsibility. This helped me grow up.

Many people do what they do for others out of a trick they play on their own minds. They tell themselves they do what they do because they want to be kind and merciful, when in reality, what they do to help their friends and loved ones is actually selfish. They do it because it is easier to drive the friend or pay their bills for them than to let them suffer, because it is uncomfortable for the parent or friend. Not because they actually want what’s best for the other.

When parents and friends always help people out, they end up dependent and worse off than they would have been if their friends and parents had not done what was easy and let them suffer and struggle. This is what pushes us to change and ultimately grow up. If you can’t pay your bills and no one pays them for you, you will be more likely to avoid future debt. If no one will be your chauffeur, then you will be forced to drive yourself and will grow in confidence. This is what a truly loving parent and friend does. So ask yourself next time you find yourself in a similar situation, are you doing what’s best for the person or what’s easiest for you? Don’t let your guilty conscience make decisions for you. Do what’s best, not what’s easiest.

Human-Written, AI Spell-Checked 5/2/21 AD

Image from mamabeanparenting.com