Lil Nas X

(THIS POST MAY CONTAIN DESCRIPTIONS THAT SOME MAY FIND DISTURBING.)

Psalm 53 “...The fool has said in his heart: “There is no God above.” Their deeds are corrupt, depraved; not a good man is left...”

I watched the video for the song "J Christ" and then the video for the song “Montero” by the rapper Lil Nas X this morning, after hearing about the controversy over the religious imagery used in both videos. I will not show any images from this video because I am unsure of the impact it may have on others. The latest video for "J. Christ" appears to be primarily the use of religious imagery to garner attention for the performer, based on the attention he received for a video from his previous album. In that video, Montero, Lil Nas seduces satan. Many do not understand why he would make videos like these, assuming, as many did in the 80s, that he is a worshipper of the devil. Although that may be true, I suspect he has other reasons for his actions. Based on my own experience and understanding, I will attempt to explain, although I have no personal knowledge of him or his background.

Firstly, I used to have sexual fantasies about demons. I don’t remember exactly what those fantasies entailed, and it was very infrequent, but I know that the thought used to go through my mind. While I cannot precisely explain why this fantasy comes into play for some people, I can say that I’ve experienced it. I suspect that in my own life, because of the darkness I lived in, having been exposed to porn around age 9 or 10, I was open to all sorts of influences from satan. When I was pretty young, I thought to pray to the devil, asking him to help me find a way to have sex with a man. I don't remember if this came before or after the demonic sexual fantasies but that kind of opening oneself up to darkness has a dark imoact on a soul and its vulnerability to the enemy.

Secondly, some will ask why he would take the imagery so far as to simulate seducing the devil or portraying himself as being crucified and risen like Christ or like Noah on the Ark? Outside of the most apparent reason, that our culture has to go pretty far in whatever it does to draw attention and controversy, I will try to explain based on my background.

I was raised Catholic and went to a Christian school. I was very well aware of the teachings of the Church regarding gay identity and sexual behavior. I hated the teachings of the Church because they interfered with my ability to enjoy the lifestyle and the pleasure I wanted to experience through same-sex sexual activity. Even after I left the Catholic Church and my faith behind, the Word of God still reverberated inside me because God has written His law in our hearts. So I did everything I could to distance myself from the truth of the Church. I shared my sexuality with everyone in very obvious ways. My former boyfriend and I enjoyed public displays of sexuality. I enjoyed making people uncomfortable, and I pushed my lifestyle on everyone I could and demanded that they accept it. I needed their acceptance to dull my conscience.

I’ve spoken to parents of people who are living the gay identity in the Encourage Apostolate, the apostolate for parents and loved ones of those living LGBTQ+ identities. Some of them ask me why their children are so insistent on the Church accepting them, and I tell them it’s because they need everyone around them to affirm their lifestyle. Inside, they know it's not good for them, and it's not what nature and God intended.

So while these videos from Lil Nas X are shocking, I understand him to be doing everything he can to reject masculinity and to reject the Christian faith. Many of us feel rejected by the Church and by our same sex peers, so we reject back to make ourselves feel better. I think that his making these videos is, in a way, a good sign because, to me, it means the battle is raging inside of him. For many who live with SSA, the battle is already ended. Let us pray for Lil Nas X and all those he influences through his music. And let us not give up hope. I was once like him, and look what God has done with me and through me. Thanks be to God..

We also have to try to remember that almost all who experience same-sex attraction have been told from a very young age that this is their identity. So anything that says that what they have been told is their identity, is unnatural, unhealthy, or not good for them, they will reject. So, while their aggressive rejection of the faith is uncomfortable and distressing, the only way we can help them is to draw them close to us through prayer and, once again, remember that nothing is impossible for Christ and His Church. Even the transformation of the heart of someone who at least publicly openly embraces the enemy of humanity and our souls.

When the light of Christ is present in someone and they have decided to hate that light, they must embrace extreme darkness to try to extinguish the light. And it will work if they persist with it. I pray this is not the case for Lil Nas X, but I understand that is what we are seeing. A young man trying to extinguish any little bit of the light of Christ that remains within him.

I would gather that he has probably also not had exposure to positive male role models, as I didn’t when I was younger. So we reject masculinity by embracing what we think is femininity. We usually embrace caricatures of femininity, not true femininity, but that is still what we are doing when we dress the way he dresses. It is meant to shock; it is also meant to say I don’t want anything to do with being a man, or if I do, it’ll be on my terms when I feel like it.

When I would fantasize sometimes about having sex or sexual contact with a demon, I was also very drawn to darkness in general. Method Man from the group Wu-Tang Clan, who used to wear silver or gold fangs in his mouth and black contact lenses, was very appealing to me. Marilyn Manson, with his distorted presentation of androgynous humanity and one white contact lens in one eye, was very appealing to me. Violent films and video games were particularly appealing to me. None of these were the cause of my darkness, but were signs of the darkness that I was drawn to and that I wanted to be closer to because I felt that I couldn’t be close to God, because God rejected who I am, because I believed my sexual attractions defined me.

Why was I drawn to darkness? Because I saw power in it. Power to control people. The power to use people. The rejection of the masculinity that I never felt I fit into felt powerful. If I can’t be a man like other people say I should be a man, then I’ll be a distortion of being a man. And I will use my distorted masculinity to control, manipulate, and hurt people.

We embrace whatever makes us feel better. If we feel bad about being a man, then we embrace not being a man. If we feel bad about our sinful, disordered attractions, then we embrace those attractions. We make these decisions because we don’t know what else to do and because society now tells us that is the solution. Many young men struggle to define what it means to be a man. And what they see as representations of how to be a man, they want nothing to do with. They don’t want to be violent. They don’t want to abuse women. And though these are not what it means to be a real man, they are told to reject these behaviors makes them feminine, so they embrace femininity rather than false masculinity.

Because many young men do not fit into the false masculinity mold, they are rejected by females until they embrace the false femininity that their rejection of false masculinity pushed them into. Then many women embrace these men who have rejected the masculinity that many women are drawn to and fearful of at the same time. So these effeminate men now have the approval from women they want, but only because they have been emasculated.

The Church rejects the behavior that this young man has adopted as his identity. In doing so, this young man believes he is being rejected by the Church and, therefore, by God. And so he embraces him who embraces his behavior, the devil. There is logic in this choice if you are willing to see it.

This is how I see Lil Nas X and his use of this imagery and the embracing of homosexuality. He, just like me and many others, needs correction but also needs prayer and sacrifice, as my Mom made for me, to pull us out of these behaviors and back into Christ's fold.

Human Written, AI Spell Checked 7/25/25 AD

Image from consequence.net